i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
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I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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