I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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