I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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