Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
