She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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