Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
