glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
