Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
