Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
