The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
