She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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