I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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