When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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