my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
