Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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