He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
