I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
