I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
