no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
