I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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