the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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