There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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