i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
