i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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