this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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