I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
