we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
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He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
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Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
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