conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
