It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
