bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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