so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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