just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
