I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
