I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
