ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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