There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
