I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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