I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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