She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
