I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
