haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
