I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
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That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
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I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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