saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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