Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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