the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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