When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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