I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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