I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
