Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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