haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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