She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
