I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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