just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
