obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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