theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
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Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
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Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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