Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I need a hoe opinion
go on
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
